http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=90886407

I was annoyed with Balancing Factor’s comment. It was ignorant and sounds like one of the BAM brothers talking about don’t air your dirty laundry, Your making Islam look bad. No brother, its the brothers and their actions with women who make Islam look bad. If these situation were addressed properly we would not need to “establish a platform”. These situations are happening everyday in our houses, in our masjid, in our daily lives. And you want us to “wallow in our sarrow”. Is this what you tell your mother, sister,or daughter for that matter. I think not!
Yes, brother we are aware that 200,000 PPL just lost their lives however I am sure Oprah has donated to this situation as well as other Muslim brothers and sisters. At 7:45 am brother you were reading this blog and had time to comment. I guess you did not have something better to do. Does your wife know your creeping this early?

Please consider the following: At this point, I would compare polygamy to a loaded AK-47. A loaded weapon that children, fools, & criminals are eagerly reaching for. In a reasonably safe society there are a very few legitimate reasons to own an AK-47. These good faith reasons to own one apply to a very limited set of circumstances. No, strictly speaking, the “gun” itself isn’t causing the murders among us. However, the “gun” has become one of the primary instruments criminals use to destroy other people. The “gun” is the primary weapon in criminals’ arsenals. Most decent people aren’t eagerly looking to buy AK-47s. In fact, responsible people (who are acting in good faith) are nervous about having these sorts of weapons around. These weapons are extremely dangerous in the hands of children, fools, & criminals.

And so it is with polygamy among us. The people I’ve seen eagerly grabbing for this practice are children, fools, & criminals (for the most part). Their intentions are obviously ALL WRONG. Just look at the open hatred that male supporters of polygamy ususally have for women. They want polygamy in order to abuse women, which feeds their wounded & sick egos.

Violent criminals take advantage of people who are so eager to defend their constitutional rights to bear arms that they ignore the harm that is being done with flood of guns. So it is with the Ike Turners among us. They take advantage of people’s desire to feel that they are defending the Quran. Muslim Ike Turners use this well-intentioned defense of scripture to cloak the harm that they are doing to women.

I’m not saying ban the AK-47/polygamy. I’m saying that we need to take a step back & seriously screen & scrutinize those people (usually Ike Turners) who are so eager to practice polygamy. If we are honest, we have to admit that we’ve done a very poor job of policing the practice of polygamy. We’ve collectively allowed many women to be abused & pimped. We continue to allow women to be abused & pimped. Not to mention the children that suffer as a result of this practice. And I don’t see any realistic plans on the table to begin policing this extremely dangerous family arrangement. As I said earlier, we really do know that most of us are not going to come anywhere close to the Prophet’s (PBUH) standard of behavior. We consistently misuse anything we are given.

I feel that if we’re not going to do anything to police the use of this practice (and all indications are that we’re not), we shouldn’t defend/promote it. How many more broken minds & shattered lives do we want to enable?

P.S- Sister Imanubillah You are SOOOOOO RIGHT!!! You hit the nail on the head!

This is a very interesting topic and it has been interesting to read the comments to the sister’s post.

In regards to the sisters and our problems with each other, it has a lot to do with us being pitted against each other by things we imagine to be real and to be of substance. Yes, sisters have become suspicious and cautious in regards to one another. And with good reason. Many of us have sunken deep into blasting, debasing, humiliating and plan old mistreating one another. I don’t think there are many of us who haven’t experienced first hand or at least heard of a situation where a sister (or even a group of sisters) comes in and befriends others just to show her true colors later on. The true colors consist of the original plot and plan of the individual(s). Sometimes the goal is a getting a man and sometimes it is just to have what the other sister may have or at the very least, dishonor or tear her down in the eyes of the people.

There are a lot of sisters out there that have pure hatred in their hearts for their sisters in Islaam. It’s sad but true. Many of us have been victimized to the point our hearts are hard. We can no longer sympathize with each other. Sisters like this are out for blood. They only want to make sure that as many sisters feel the pain and endure the hardships that they have. These sick thoughts and actions somehow make them feel a bit better about the problems they have in their own lives.

Jealousy and envy are major problems amongst women. Those two things lead many women down the path to hurt each other. If we really review the situations we know of, we will see that one sister sets out to hurt another sister because she is jealous and envious of her. Nothing would make a sister who has let shaitaan whisper these evil thoughts to her which become manifest in her actions happier than to see her sister derailed, broken and stripped of her honor and her family. Its really sick, I know, but it is very true.

Sisters who do these things should be avoided. Other sisters who do not engage in this behavior should be safe from them. But you see the problem is that sister with the hidden agenda could be anyone. You won’t know until you or someone else begins to deal with her but by then it could be too late. Some of these sisters hide themselves and wait until they see an opportunity to execute their plans. In the process, many may have become fooled about them and their true intentions. Then you have sisters who clearly have issues. Even if you befriend them, in some cases, they still try to blast you and dishonor you. Sometimes we can’t win for losing. We have even seen this in the blogosphere. You sometimes see sisters getting blasted for giving advice to the blogging sister who asked for it. This is a transgression upon the sister and we really need to fear Allah.

Our relationships have been weakened with one another because there is no trust. You can’t even turn to most sisters for naseehah without them telling other sisters, their husbands or communities all about what you confided in them about. This type of sister should never be trusted. But the rule of thumb should be that we should never tell ANYONE ANYTHING that we would have problems with others knowing. That helps to cure that. Keeping your mouth shut is the best policy. Take it to Allah. Ask indirect questions concerning fictitious individuals if you have to. But do not tell your private affairs. It fuels the evil and sick individual who loves to listen to shaitaan. They feel they have one up on you; they feel in control to destroy you at their whim. Even sisters who have been best friends for many years can have their friendship turn sour. So then what usually happens is that one or both sisters ends up telling the other’s secrets. This is not just. If something is told to you in confidence, fear Allah and leave it as such.

Another problem is that women have been taught to compete with one another. We compete in beauty and in seeking men. But Islaam has shown us that we all have the same thing. Yes some of us are more beautiful, more religious and more educated. But we still have the same basic elements and we also have the same basic needs. We need Islaam to help us understand our place in this world and how to deal with it. We need good brothers who we can turn to and they can turn to us for comfort and support. Isn’t that what we all want? To be honored, protected and loved? I don’t think it is much to ask but I think that some women do have a problem doing what it takes to obtain it. I don’t mean demeaning yourself or accepting less in order to obtain that meaningful relationship. I mean understanding what Allah wants from us and then reconciling that with a spouse. We can’t do it all. We can’t be the bread winner, the homemaker and the lover all mixed up in one without getting burned out quickly. Something has to give. I think a lot more Muslim women would benefit from living more traditionally. If you have that idea before you get married, then it is easy to let your potential spouse know you are looking for a traditional Islamic marriage. You should spell out what that means. That means that you will take care of your home, children and guard his property ect, and he will protect and maintain you and any children financially. Of course marriage isn’t that robotic, but you have to start somewhere so why not start with the foundation and build upward? If you want to work and go to school, spell that out too. We all know we don’t have to use our money to support our households. But don’t be opposed to giving your family sadaqah because that is what it is when women give from their own wealth to aid their families. There is nothing wrong with helping your husband. The problem comes from some sisters when the mate that THEY CHOSE isn’t a good spouse and not one who can and does command their wife’s respect. She tends to find it hard to comprise with such a brother but at the same time you put him over your affairs by choosing him in marriage. So is that his fault alone? Sisters, we can sometimes add to marital fitnah by not trying to work with and compromise with our spouses who are deserving of our respect and admiration. I am not saying we do all the work or a good portion of it and he takes the credit. But if you know you have a good man, then take care of him and do what you can to preserve and cultivate your marriage. Its called protecting your investment. Wallahi you are not weak for doing so and you haven’t reduced yourself in any way.

In regards to marital relationships, there are a plethora of different scenarios. Yes, some women are out to get another woman’s man. But most likely in the end she either doesn’t want to be with him after she got him or she feels he isn’t treating her how she imagined he would so she leaves anyway (or stays and wallows in her misery). Or worst case scenario the man ends up divorcing her even though she now loves him deeply. Whatever it boils down to, she ends up back to square one. Intentions are key. A woman who just intended to cause havoc, break up a marriage or see if she can somehow come out on top not only has a disease in her heart but also she has a bit of a mental problem. Life is not a game. Those who play with fire get burned. Come on sisters were are grown women not teenage girls. When we play those games we are usually not only playing them one on one. We are playing with lives of children of this Ummah. They get affected the most and then many wonder why these same children who when they reach young adulthood want no part of Islaam.

Bottom line for sisters is yes we have to respect ourselves. We have to set high religious and moral standards for ourselves. We have the key, which is Islaam, but we let our culture and our ignorance devour us. We have to value ourselves and then we can expect others to value us. We shouldn’t blame anyone except ourselves for our problems and the situations we find ourselves in. It is from what OUR OWN hands have created. People only do to us what we allow them to do. If some brother doesn’t want you because you are black, then know that there are brothers out there who want you BECAUSE you are black. And of course this goes for sisters of other ethnicities, educational and religious levels. You just have to make sure you are bringing strong religious morals and values to the table while understanding the veracity of the world we live in. Marriage is not going to be perfect. Spouses will argue and debate about various issues. We are never going to see eye-to-eye on all issues. We are never going to say and do all the right things. But we can come to a middle ground to try and reach that level of contentment and tranquility that Allah promised us. If we correct ourselves and put our trust and hope in Allah, then what evil will come out of that? We have to make du’a.

As for marriage, if you have increased yourself in true Islamic knowledge, increased your ‘ibaadah and asked Allah for what you need and what you want, then Allah will send someone who He Love biithnillah. He may be single or he could be married. But if you are doing what you should do and not allowing yourself to be harmed contrary to Islam, then you will have that which you need and you want. It may not come in the package you want but it will come inshaAllah ta’ala. We have to be patient. Pushing problems off onto men or other women is not helping to solve our problems. It starts with self first.